a birth story, 2nd revision

My goals going into this birth were to make it a total opposite of my first experience with birth. My first experience, although marvelous because it brought me my beloved first daughter, lacked in so many ways. I was dominated by fear about the c-section I knew I had to have -- mostly afraid of the pain under the knife. Those words that anesthesiologists think are so comforting to most moms, "You'll only feel tugging and pulling," sounded like my worst nightmare. I actually had more sedation than that, and don't remember meeting Kate until I got into the room upstairs in the maternity floor, hours later!

So, when my doula asked me what my ideal birth would look like, my answer was this. "I want to be present." I wanted really to be there the WHOLE time, and the moment that I especially wished for was holding my daughter in my arms mere seconds after she was born. I took as my mantra some phrases from a birthing book: It's Hard Work. It Hurts. I can do it!

Early Thursday morning, after a sleepless night, I realized that the occasional Braxton-Hicks contractions I'd been feeling were picking up speed & becoming a bit more consistent. I couldn't believe that my labor was going to begin with my whole body & mind so unprepared. I was tired, sick (with a cold), and in a lot of pain (non-contraction related). Thankfully, I had a whole day of light(ish) labor and I was able to rest, my hip & back pain went away, and I had a some time to prepare my mind for the hard work ahead. Josh stayed home from work that day & took care of Kate all day. Lisa arrived in the early evening to make dinner & spend the night, in case we needed to leave during the night. Around 7 that evening, I really thought I was ready to go in, but I took a shower, and things slowed down incredibly. We called the doula & told her to go back home.

That night, I told Josh to bring the laptop to bed so he could time the contractions if needed. (Thanks Jennifer for the tip about timing contractions via the web!) Around 3 o'clock, I told Josh that I needed a bit more of him than his index finger tapping out "start" & "stop." My hard work was beginning. We were looking for a magic combination of 4-1-1 (4 minutes apart, 1 minute in duration, for 1 hour), but ended up with a combination that felt MORE painful 2-1-30 mins. I felt sure that halving the first number should equal halving the last number, right? I was excited to get to the hospital because I felt that it would mean that we could really get down to business.

Unfortunately, when we got to the hospital and got checked at 5am, we discovered I was only 3.5 cms dilated. What?! All that work, two very sleepless nights, and all I had accomplished was 3.5 cms?????? I prepared myself for a lull in the labor due to the change in venue, but that wasn't really the case. Two hours later, I had progressed to 6 cms, and approximately two hours after that I was already at 8 cms. Up until 6 cms, I felt very good, very confident & strong.

Dr. Pohl broke my water at 6 cms, and the pain from the contractions got much worse. I labored standing up next to the bed almost the entire time because it was the position which caused the least amount of pain. Rachel was so low in my pelvis that the nurses had trouble feeling the cervix when they checked me. After he broke my water, I started feeling some urges to push, but they really started cooking when I was about 8 cms dilated. This was my lowest moment of the labor. My whole body was telling me PUSH, but my doula, Josh, the nurses, and my own mind were telling me DON'T PUSH! My biggest concern in the midst of it was that I was going to hurt Rachel by pushing ahead of time, but as I understand it now, and as I think my doula was trying to tell me, pushing too soon would cause swelling in the cervix which would slow down the dilation and make everything take MUCH longer.

I kept asking them to check because my biggest goal was to get to pushing. Finally, I was 9.5 cms, so they started getting the baby bed ready & called the doctor, who was next door delivering another baby. I remember telling the nurses to tell him to Hurry It Up! Finally, it was time to push! Apparently, I had about 20 minutes of pushing. I was pretty oblivious to time throughout the entire labor, so it could have been 2 hours or 10 minutes, I wouldn't have known. At some point, I told the doc I didn't want an episiotomy. He couldn't believe I would rather tear than have a nice, neat straight line. Awhile later, he pronounced that I had stretched as far as I was going to go, and I might tear into my urethra. My words, "But I care about my urethra, too!" I couldn't believe I was being called upon to make any sort of medical decision in the midst of pushing. I looked to my doula & Josh, neither of whom could give me any help with that particular choice. Finally, I decided to save my urethra, and there came Rachel on the next push.

In those moments, all of the hard work was paid off in full! And, all of my hopes about what I wanted this labor to be like were realized. There I was, really & truly present at the birth of my second daughter. I just remember extending my hands and waiting impatiently for what seemed like MINUTES for Dr. Pohl to rub her down a bit & for Josh to clamp the cord. I just couldn't wait to hold her! They let me have her for a few minutes, and then finished cleaning her up & gave her back to me for some skin to skin time -- and some nursing! This made me almost as happy as merely holding her for the first time. My daughter was nursing with absolutely no difficulties minutes after she was born -- another steep contrast to Katie-boo.

They let me hold her for a loong time & then weighed her. Another miracle: she was 7 lbs 4 oz. I had been hoping & praying that she'd be at least 6 lbs. :-)

My biggest surprises & answered prayers:
1. The nursing staff & even the doctor -- both were so flexible & allowed me to do things that I didn't predict going into the experience. I thought I'd have to have an IV (because I was a V-bac), but they just gave me a hep lock. I feared that the constant monitoring would require me to be in bed most of the time. In fact, I was in bed almost none of the time, even though that particular position caused a lot of poor readings on Rachel's heartbeat. They finally added a second strap to her monitor, and it worked like magic, but for the 1st two hours, they were content not to get a good reading most of the time. All they wanted was a good 20 minute strip on the monitor. Oh, and pushing -- I kept expecting all of this direction during pushing, but they left it up to me completely!

2. Support Team -- I couldn't have done it without the aid of my beloved husband & skillful doula. Josh was so constant & didn't get overwhelmed by seeing his beloved in extreme pain. My doula helped me keep focused, especially during that time when I was having trouble (those horrid 6-9ish cms). She was the only thing that kept me from pushing that baby out through a cervix that was half the size it needed to be! Lastly, they both gave me confidence that I was on the right path and I could do it!

3. Recovery -- Wow! This has been amazing. It's one week & 5 days and I feel soo great (when I'm not completely tired). If I didn't have an epi/(or a tear), I'd have had about a 3 or 4 day recovery! Compared to c-section -- there is no comparison! Nursing is great, my confidence level as a mom about so many things is so different & has made this transition (so far) from 1 to 2 really great. We'll talk next week when I have to start cooking for the fam, too!

So, I just want publicly to thank God for being faithful to answer my prayers & give me the strength I needed when it was needed. I told someone the title of the most helpful book I read during pregnancy--Birthing from Within. The comment was made to me, "Well, the power doesn't really come from within, does it?" Well spoken. That summed up what I had felt to be true throughout the pregnancy. This strength that I have to birth doesn't come from inside me, but from God.

I also have come away with a great, great respect for all those women who have come before me. Now I know what makes mommies' backbones so strong! And, what makes their love so deep -- sacrificing oneself to bring life to another (throughout the entire pregnancy & more spectacularly during labor) is an amazing experience.

Well, I know this was long -- you all get gold stars for making it this far!